The daughter who ripped her family apart by marrying her father's best friend

Jay Pettifer had shared a close, loving relationship with her father Ray. She confided in him. He advised her. Their bond felt inalienable.

But when she phoned him to say she was getting married, the conversation was terse and tense, the shortest and sharpest exchange she'd ever had with him.

'I rang Dad to say we'd booked the register office,' she recalls, 'and there was silence. I told him the date and asked if he'd give me away. He said he wouldn't. And then the line went dead.'

 

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Happy together: Jay and Anthony - who have 22 years between their ages - married three years ago

Ray Urquhart's only child, his adored daughter, was preparing to be a bride, but instead of paternal pride and delight, he felt a queasy sense of dread. Anthony Pettifer, the man Jay was marrying was decent, loyal, hard working. He had a good job as a computer programmer; he owned his own home and had never previously been married. So what was the problem? Why did Ray, 68, feel such disquiet?

There were two potent reasons; at 51 Anthony was 22 years older than Jay - but more than that, he was also Ray's best friend. The two men had known each other for almost three decades. Since Jay was a baby they'd shared regular chats in their local over a pint, watched football matches together.

Their homes stood diagonally opposite in a close community in Warwickshire. Ray, in his ivy-clad semi, could almost wave to Anthony in his neat home.

 

'I knew Anthony was a brilliant bloke,' reflects Ray, 'But I just felt total shock and betrayal. I was uncomfortable, too, with the idea that my only daughter was marrying a man so much older than she was. But it wasn't just that. I couldn't get used to the idea of it... I was actually very angry and bitter.

'I couldn't bear to see Anthony. If he walked into the pub, I'd walk out. I'd blank him in the street. And I found it hard to even talk to Jay.'

There will be many who will sympathise with his misgivings. What loving father wouldn't worry that his daughter was with a man so much older, or be concerned that he'd be excluded from the lives of the two people he valued most, his best friend and his daughter?

Anthony and Ray's friendship was forged in the Eighties, when Ray, in his 30s, was married to Jay's mum Susan, and Anthony was in his 20s.

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Jay with her father Ray: He felt betrayed when he discovered she was dating his best friend

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United: Anthony has become stepdad to Jay's daughter Cleo from a previous relationship 

It was an alliance of opposites. 'I'm quite reserved; Ray is very out-going and lively. We complemented each other,' recalls Anthony. 'But underneath we shared the same values and work ethic.

'We socialised together. Ray was a car fanatic. He had an old Austin 7, an MG and a Bubble car he was restoring and we went to car rallies. We both loved football - he supports Manchester United and I support Coventry City - and we bonded over that.

 When we kissed, I didn't think it was weird. I certainly wasn't thinking, "Oh, this is Dad's friend. I shouldn't be doing this". After all I was nearly 30!

Jay Pettifer 

'I knew, too, he was proud of his daughter. He'd often talk about her.'

Jay was about eight and Anthony was 30 when he first saw her at one of Ray's house parties. 

'I was just aware of a petite little girl with pale blonde hair,' he says. 'She was thin and quite frail-looking.'

Jay suffers from Crohn's disease, a debilitating long-term bowel condition. As a child she was often confined to the house; Ray felt especially protective of her because of her illness.

'Ray would remind me when it was her birthday,' says Anthony. 'I'd send her presents. I knew she was a great fan of Marilyn Monroe and I remember buying her a book about her.'

However, he never impinged on Jay's young life. Understandably, for a little girl obsessed with Barbie and film stars, her father's friends barely registered on her radar, and she has no memories of their first meeting. 'And if I had, I would never have imagined becoming romantically involved with him when I was an adult,' she says.

Yet even back then, Jay says she was convinced she would marry an older man. 'I had my first film star crush, aged eight or nine, on William Shatner, (Captain Kirk in Star Trek) while all the girls at school liked Keanu Reeves. And as I grew up I dated men my age and began to think that they were unreliable and childish.'

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Gave his blessing eventually: Ray, far right, gave his daughter away and paid for her wedding - even though he was initially upset that the groom was his best friend

It was August 2009 when, to her surprise, Jay began to see her Dad's friend in a new light. She was having a troubled time with her then partner of six years and started spending more time with her father.

'I'd started going to a pub quiz with Dad, and Anthony would be there,' Jay remembers. 'There was a lot of tension at home at the time as I was splitting up with my partner.

'I started chatting to Anthony. To begin with, it was just a normal, casual chat. But I started to look forward to seeing him. And I began to confide in him, about the emotional time I was having.' 

Anthony, too, was unburdening to Jay. 'I told her about my ex-partner, how we'd separated. Although Jay was younger than me I valued her opinion and advice.'

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Unexpected future: Jay was just eight when she first met her husband-to-be

But as their nascent relationship began to develop, Jay - mother to Cleo, then eight, from a previous relationship - admits she did not consider the impact it would have on her father. 

'Naively, I didn't expect a problem,' she says. Even so, they knew discretion was crucial. 'It was me who kissed Anthony first,' recalls Jay. 'It was a few weeks after we'd started confiding in one another. We were in his car; it felt right. I didn't think it was weird. I certainly wasn't thinking, "Oh, this is Dad's friend. I shouldn't be doing this". After all I was nearly 30!

'After that, we started texting; innocent messages like: "Can't wait to see you again" and "Sweet dreams".'

Ray, a retired landscape gardener, eventually broached the subject with Anthony. 'He said: "What's going on? You seem very pally with Jay," and I said, "We're just good friends", which we were at that stage.'

Ray was temporarily appeased, but a couple of months later, by November 2009, Jay and Anthony's relationship had deepened.

By now Ray, aware that his daughter was making frequent trips to Anthony's house - after all, they could see each other's front doors - confronted Jay. 'I said: "Yes, we’re having a relationship" and it was clear Dad was unhappy,' she says. 'He told me that I just liked Anthony because he was being supportive, that I didn't know my own mind.'

Ray then challenged Anthony. 'He said the relationship was wrong, that it had to end,' says Anthony. 'The situation got very awkward. If I saw Ray in the street he would blank me. We had a lot of friends in common and that was difficult. They didn't know who to align themselves with.'

As for Jay - the person at the centre of it all? Did she feel any guilt about upsetting her father and breaking up a friendship?

 'I was confident that if I could prove I was genuine, sincere and devoted to Jay, Ray would come round'

Anthony Pettifer 

'Dad wouldn't discuss it with me,' she says. 'He just said: "Don't ever bring Anthony into my house", and that seemed to be it.

'And although I loved Dad, I wasn't prepared to give Anthony up. We kept out of his way and tried to respect his feelings.'

And so the rift persisted. Then in February 2010 Jay and Anthony got engaged. First Jay asked Cleo if she'd like the idea of having Anthony as her new dad, and when she said yes, Jay suggested they make the relationship permanent. 'It was me who proposed to him,' she explains. But he was overjoyed.

Jay's mother Susan is just a year older than Anthony - she and Ray divorced when Jay was 13 - but after seeing how happy Anthony made her daughter she also gave her approval. Jay began to plan a quiet register office celebration for the following year. She desperately wanted her father there, too.

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Friends reunited: Ray knows Anthony will look after his daughter

However, when Jay told him that they intended to marry, hoping he would come round once he knew how serious it was, it tipped Ray into such a fury that he vowed to boycott the day. Then suddenly, at the eleventh hour, when she was on the point of resigning herself to estrangement from her father, he had a change of heart. 'It was as if a switch had been flicked,' says Jay.

'Dad rang me and said he wanted to meet Anthony and me at 6.30pm the next Thursday. He said he'd made an appointment with our local vicar.

'He told me: "You're my only daughter. I want you to get married properly, in church." And that was the turning point.

'And when we met Dad it was as if the previous months had never happened. The vicar said: "Your Dad and I have pencilled in a date and he's booked the choir and organist." My jaw nearly hit the floor.

'Dad knew that I'd always dreamed of a romantic wedding with a horse and carriage, and he'd arranged that, too. He'd paid for it all.'

So a discreet and inexpensive register office ceremony with a dozen guests, minus the bride's father, became a huge celebration in which Ray took a pivotal part. Jay wore a frothy white confection while her five bridesmaids, including Cleo, ten, were in candy pink.

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Just married: Anthony and Jay had the romantic wedding she had always dreamed of after her father gave their relationship his blessing 

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Happy family: Anthony and Jay are glad her father has accepted their relationship

A staggering 260 guests attended the church and reception in Coventry in June 2011, and Ray, resplendent in morning suit, proudly gave Jay away. What had made him capitulate? 'She clearly loved Anthony, so I knew I had to let go of my anger - and let Jay go, too, and give her the wedding she deserved,' he says. 'I realised I was being selfish and decided if my only daughter was getting married I wanted her to do it in style.

'And as it turned out, it was the right thing to do. They're very happy and I'm delighted for them.’

Today Anthony, 56 and Jay, 34, have been married for three years and still appear blissfully happy. 

Anthony reflects: 'I was confident that if I could prove I was genuine, sincere and devoted to Jay, Ray would come round.'

Last month Anthony's transformation into a family man was completed when he legally adopted Cleo. 

'It's taken a bit of time to adjust to all the changes,' he says. 'Pink things have appeared everywhere; my stuff has disappeared.'

Nights out are less frequent than they used to be, though every Sunday lunchtime he goes for a quiet pint with the man he's proud to call his father-in-law - and best friend.

He and Ray are, he says, completely reconciled. His father-in-law concurs. 'I did the right thing in the end, what a father should do,' Ray says. 'And I like Anthony. He's genuine; a decent, loyal bloke. After all, he wouldn't have been my friend all those years if he wasn't, would he?’

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