Rev.
Victorine-Iris Nkiruka of the Victorious Virtuous Women Ministry
International is a woman of passion when it comes to issues of domestic
violence and prison ministry. In this chat with JULIANA FRANCIS, she
talks about women who gets beaten and killed by their spouses
How did you get involve in issues of domestic and sexual violence?
I found out that there are so many problems and challenges facing women of my generation and it breaks my heart. Many
of them come to me with various spiritual, emotional and domestic
problems. Along the line, I discovered most marriages and families are
faced with different forms of domestic abuses. Many of these women do
not want to talk about it.
I also discovered that 70 percent of the
situation most people go through today is as a result of dysfunctional
families and effects of domestic abuse. Our society being what it is,
women prefer to hide and sweep such issues under the carpet.
Do you think cases of domestic violence are on the increase?
Definitely, domestic abuses and violence
are on the rise. The year 2011 was the first majorly publicized case of a
husband stabbing his wife to death. Ever since then, there had been
upsurge in Nigeria.
Every week, domestic and sexual violence
cases often make the headlines of national dailies. It is either a
husband had beaten his wife to stupor or death, or a wife has stabbed
her husband to death or poured acid on him. Sometimes, the headline
would be about a father that had raped his daughter or old men raping
under aged children. From all indications, domestic violence in Nigeria
is on the increase. The statistics are alarmingly frightening.
As a resource person, what do you think are the causes of domestic violence?
Studies have pointed out many causes of
domestic violence, which includes spiritual, physical, emotional,
psychological and economical. Nevertheless, all of these causes and risk
factors have one underlying cause; the abuser feels the need to exert
complete control, intimidation and manipulation over a victim. Some
studies indicate that the cause of domestic violence could be a result
of both environmental and individual factors. Essentially, this means
that abusers learn to use abusive tactics to control others from the
influence of family members, people around them, the society and
cultural traditions as they grow.
Also, desperation to get married these
days has led many into wrong relationships. Materialism is another cause
that is so rampant these days. Some people rush into relationships
because of material gains; when the materials things are gone, they
would not be able to endure any more. Then, there would be constant
quarrels and fight, which should not be the case if the foundation had
been right.
Family interference is another major
cause. When spouses cannot deal with their problems by themselves, they
naturally will seek opinions of family members and friends. This gives
opening to those who were not in support of the relationships to cause
more problems for the couples.
Another worrisome cause is childless.
Most women in Nigeria take the blame for everything, especially
barrenness or not having a male child. In most cases, this has resulted
in maltreatment of the wives. They are brutalised.
What can couples do to check domestic violence?
They can check domestic violence by
avoiding the causes mentioned above, and be prayerful. Stay close to
God; be tolerant, good to each other, caring, understanding and patient.
Avoid external interferences from family and friends. This is worthy of
note: Don’t rush into marriage. Don’t be desperate and end up with the
wrong person. Whatever will be, will be. Take your time and trust God
for the best.
What’s the impact of domestic violence on children?
The truth is that it is always very
traumatic on the children. It always results in emotional and
psychological breakdown for the children. In some cases, it results to
withdrawal from their friends. It affects their social and educational
performances.
Some children from such homes end up as
abusers. It causes some to become fearful, anxious, and ashamed. They
are always on guard because they don’t know what will happen next, or
what is coming from their controlling and abusive parents. You may find
such kids bedwetting and unable to concentrate in school. They sometimes
experience frustration and depression. They could become wayward and
resorts to seeking help outside. They would later become nuisance to
society.
Clergies have been accused of being
responsible for spousal deaths in marriage; they are against divorce.
What is your take on that?
You are very correct. Actually, I
addressed it sometimes ago on my social media handles. I heard the story
of a young woman whose husband amputated her hands after so many years
of abuse. She had repeatedly told her pastor her ordeal, but he kept
telling her not to leave her husband. He asked her to stay and pray. He
told her that marriage was for better and worse.
My question is this; if it were to be
the pastor’s daughter, will he give the same advice? How can you, as a
man of God, watch a young girl dying in an abusive relationship and you
tell her to stay and be prayerful?
Nobody is suggesting divorce, but if
that’s the only way to save a life, so be it! God who hates divorce
doesn’t like a spouse treating his/her partner as a slave. In fact, God
is more interested in a life and its purpose than the issues surrounding
the person.
God has called us to peace, not to devour
and tear each other apart in strife, anger and violence. My advice to
people in that situation is; run for your dear life if it is getting out
of hand. Seek help from agencies who are there to help and protect you.
It is only a living person that can stay married. Many
parents have their share of the blame too. Some of them know their
children are going through such treatments, but would advise them to be
patient and stay in the marriage because of what people will say. These
parents don’t care if such marriages results to death.
What should women who are in abusive relationship do to stay safe?
Woman, if it is getting out of hand and
you feel your life is in danger, run! Do not walk. Run! An abuser is
always an abuser. He will keep apologising and hurting you, until he
kills you. If a man truly loves you, and has anger issue, he will seek
for both spiritual and psychological help. While that is going on, stay
far away, so you can stay alive to marry and fulfill your purpose. As I
always say; the dead do not get married; marriage is not a do-or- die
affair. If a woman continues
to stay in abusive relationship because of children, the children would
suffer more when she dies. Do not keep quiet! Seek for help!
Can you share with one of the most horrific domestic violence cases you have handled?
There are quite a few, but this
particular one happened not quite long. Before it got to us, the woman
has been through hell in the name of marriage for well over eight years.
The husband did unimaginable things to her.
He used hot iron on her body, soaked
pepper in water and poured all over her body and her private part. He
did terrible things to her that one couldn’t speak out. There were wound
scars on her body. All these eventually resulted in this lady having
temporary mental disorder. She suffered depression for years and her
self-esteem totally damaged.
Although she was existing, not living;
she had no confidence in herself and ability to do anything. I tell you,
it was terrible. It took a lot of counselling and teachings on
self-esteem and confidence to keep her stable and get her back on track.
But thank God she’s healing and back with her parents. I am always
shocked at what a fellow human being can do to another, in the name of
marriage. I am always devastated and pained; I can’t imagine such hatred
in the heart of anyone for a fellow human being.
It is this kind of issue that got me more
determined to touch the lives of thousands of women going through
marital challenges. My resolve is to help as many women dying in silence
as possible. I urge all women to speak out, before it’s too late. Don’t
listen to a man who keeps abusing and telling you to keep it a secret.
He doesn’t love you. This is why most abusive husbands shield their
wives from friends and family members. He doesn’t want people to know
what he is doing to her so that his power and control over his victim
wouldn’t break.
The belief is that illiterate women are prone and tolerance to domestic violence?
To some extent, I might want to agree
with that, but unfortunately, some of the recent cases that resulted in
death, especially in Lagos, are all educated couples. Illiterate
women are prone and tolerant to domestic violence than their educated
counterparts in the sense that they are not empowered financially. If
she was exposed to adequate knowledge about her rights in a marriage, to
some extent, domestic violence will reduce.
Is it true that men also face domestic violence?
Yes! Men are also on the receiving end,
especially in cases of verbal, emotional and psychological abuses.
Although not in the physical aspect, we all know that most men are
stronger than women are. However, we have had cases where some women are
physically stronger, and resorts to beating their husbands. But mostly,
it’s verbal, emotional, psychological and economic, especially where
the woman makes more money than the man.
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